


You don't know what It's like

by HxckinOakley



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fighting, Hurt/Comfort, I'm sorry Yamaguchi, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-projecting onto my favorite characters, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HxckinOakley/pseuds/HxckinOakley
Summary: Tsukkishima Kei finally learns what It's like to be Yamaguchi Tadashi.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	You don't know what It's like

No one knew what it was like to be Yamaguchi Tadashi, but when it came to the boy himself, he wished he was a completely different person.

There were plenty of things wrong when it came to the life of Yamaguchi Tadashi. From a young age, he was bullied. Bullied about his freckles, about how scrawny he was. This formed something in him that shut him down, leaving him in a quiet and almost comatose state for the longest time. At least, that was until Tsukkishima Kei stepped into his aid. This blonde made him feel something other than sadness, regret, dread. Something other than self-hatred and self-loathing. For once in forever, he finally felt like he had something to keep pushing him.

From that day, Tadashi followed after Kei. At first, Kei genuinely didn't know how to feel, but soon enough he warmed up to the bright-smiled brunette. They were attached at the hip. Each hair-dye adventure that Tadashi had, resulting in him with green hair, each homework problem that one of them may have been facing, each scar that was to form each day after Tadashi returned to school. They needed each other, and they both knew that for a fact.

As the school years went by, things only continued to get worse for Yamaguchi Tadashi. People'd tease him for his interest in hair-dye, for wanting to stand out more than others with his dark green hair. Classmates would pass notes to him, insulting him and calling him names. It wasn't much of a surprise that Tadashi grew quiet. Quieter than he'd ever been since Kei came around to his aid.

But instead, he put on a mask.

He pretended not to be upset. He pretended to laugh along. He pretended that everything was alright. He pretended that the scars littering his arms weren't growing in numbers. He pretended that things were okay at home. He pretended that the bruises didn't hurt anymore.

No one was the wiser, even Kei. It became apparent to Tadashi that if he just acted, then he didn't have to bother anyone. He didn't have to bother his mother or Kei with any of his problems and put any stress onto their shoulders. He'd keep it inside. Plus, what was the point of letting things get out?

.  
.  
.

High school wasn't any sort of better. With new students, new classmates, the teasing still continued. Most of them were shot at him with absolute hatred. But, he didn't understand what he did wrong.. He couldn't think of what he did do wrong. These were all new people, people that he didn't know, so why.. why were they all attacking him?

It was a question that Tadashi thought over constantly. He didn't know why life decided to fuck him over, but It's certainly having a little bit of fun with it.

Volleyball was a way of escape. Escape from all of the awful things people said to him, an escape to be with people that would accept him, care about him. When he joined Karasuno's men's Volleyball club, he couldn't help but finally let out a breath of air that filled his lungs. Things would be better here, and he could tell that it would be. Everyone was so nice, and everyone was so lively.

His perfect reality was shattered in mid-April during the Miyagi prefectural qualifiers.

They had lost to Seijoh 1-2.

If only he had worked harder if only he could have a least scored a few points then maybe they could have won that match. Maybe if he hadn't been so weak they would have won that match.

He let the team down.

Despite how many times that he was pat on the back and told to not worry about it, that they still had qualifiers in spring, he couldn't get it out of his mind. He had let his team down, and it was his fault that they lost in the first place. Tadashi truly didn't understand how everyone could be so calm about him messing up, about him chickening out and serving normally instead of doing his jump serve. How could they be so calm when he screwed everything up!?

Kei could see a look on the other's face. A face he hasn't seen in a long while. The same face of sadness, guilt, and regret he wore all of those years ago. Quietly stripping his headphones from his ears to let them fall gently onto his shoulders, he reached over to tap on his smaller boyfriend's shoulder a few times, obviously startling him and pulling him out of his thoughts. The same stoic expression was on the blonde's face as he spoke, asking if he'd like to come over to have dinner with him.

"My mom's working late tonight. She texted me that she had left some money on the stove, let's order a pizza."

As straight-spoken as Kei was, he was obviously holding back the fact that he was concerned for Tadashi, to see his partner so upset over a club.

It took Tadashi a moment to fully register what the other had said to him, giving a small nod for a response a few moments later. "Okay." He spoke softly, bringing his gaze back to the road in front of them. What Kei quickly took notice of, was that Tadashi didn't even bother to try and text his parents where he was going to be.

.  
.  
.

They hadn't been inside for too long. Maybe around 30 minutes.

Tadashi was settled down on the couch, an abnormal look on his face. He seemed to be a lot more spaced out than usual and Kei didn't take that much into consideration. The greenette was fighting a silent battle, a battle inside his head.

He was at fault  
He was at fault  
He was at fault  
He was at fau-

"Tadashi!"

The sudden shout of his name had the tan high-schooler jumping out of his skin, bringing his attention up to Kei, who was now standing in front of him with a more than irritated look on his face. There was a small silence between the two before Tadashi swallowed hard, mumbling a 'Sorry Tsukki..' under his breath. He almost flinched at the heavy sigh escaping from the blonde, watching as he shook his head a little bit. "What do you want on your pizza,"

"I'll just eat whatever,"

With that, Kei gave a nod before heading off into the kitchen holding the phone up to his ear. Tadashi glanced down at his lap, unknowing of what to say. What would he say when Kei returns? Surely he was bound to ask questions about his strange behavior. It turns out he wasn't far from the truth. As Tsukkishima returned to the living room, his phone having been left in the kitchen, he sat down on the couch in front of Tadashi, noticing the same look on his face. A look as if he was trapped in his own mind.

Letting out a soft sigh, Kei reached over to gently push at his lover's shoulder, catching his attention pretty quickly. "What's your damage?" He asked with a small raise of his eyebrow. "Stop getting so bent out of shape over a volleyball game."

One.

"You look like a sad puppy and It's pathetic."

Two.

As the other spoke to him, Tadashi could feel his cheeks getting hotter and hotter, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

"If you're going to mope around all night then just go home."

Three.

"Tsukki I--"

"Toughen up, Yamaguchi. It's life, you don't always win everything. It's just a club."

Four.

Yamaguchi.

"Tsukki-"

"Stop acting like a chi-"

Five.

"Shut up!"

The sudden shouting of his boyfriend had caught Kei off guard, leaving him staring at the other with his eyes open a little wider than usual. "What?" He asked in confusion, suddenly taking notice in the other boy's shaking and teary eyes. It was then that he realized he hit a nerve. "Listen, Tadashi-"

"No, you listen," Tadashi was quick to shut the blond up, standing to his feet as he began to pace around the room, running his hands frantically through his hair. "I don't know wh.. why you're telling me this, but you have to realize that I am /not/ you. I get hurt by simple things and you don't!" He began loudly, obviously trying to make a point out of the entire thing

"Tadashi I'm so-"

"I'm NOT you, Kei, and you have to understand that I don't have the same th.. thought process as you, I don't have the same emotional balance as you!"

After a few attempts, the blonde fell silent, listening to his boyfriend's tearful rant.

"And you wanna know what? You.. You're not me. But you should be glad that you're not me! You should be really glad," his voice was beginning to shake as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

Finally, Kei stood to his feet, slowly approaching his stressed-out boyfriend and taking hold of the other's shoulders. "Tadashi."

"I'm not finished-" he breathed out, taking a step back to avoid the other's touch. "You should.. should be thrilled that you aren't me, that you.. you don't know what It's like to be me-"

"Tadashi, calm down, it Isn't that bad.." Kei used a surprisingly gentle voice while talking to the other, but his words only made things worse.

"Isn't-" he breathed out softly, hugging himself tightly as he took a quick step back and away from the other. "Isn't that bad!? You're fucking kidding me right!?" Tadashi snapped, his grip on his arms getting tight as hot tears quickly began to pour down his face.

"You think my life Isn't that bad!? Then why don't you fucking take it for me!" His voice quickly grew loud and shaking, "I don't know what you /think/ that you know, but you clearly know nothing about my life!" He shouted at his partner.

"You don't know what It's like.."

"Tadashi,"

"DON'T TADASHI ME!" The sudden scream escaped from him without a second thought, catching Kei off guard and leaving him silent, taking every shout that his boyfriend threw at him.

"You don't understand how it feels to constantly have to take medication because you're so fucked up, I'm only 16 Tsukkishima, I'm fucking 16 and I take four fucking things in the morning! It.. It was first the anxiety pills, and then.. then the antidepressants and the the fucking sleeping pills and now they added in a second anxiety medication..!"

"I shouldn't have to worry about this bullshit! I shouldn't have to worry about having to cover my arms to make sure that no one sees the obvious pain I'm in! I shouldn't have to skip out on meals for fear that I'm going to get chubby at making everyone's view of me worse! I shouldn't have to worry about the way people look at me or the way that people talk about me! I shouldn't have to worry about my fucking freckles, which mind you, Isn't something I can f.. fucking control!"

"Y.. You.. You don't understand what It's like to be /afraid/ to go home, to go to school, to go anywhere without being judged or.. o.. or beaten! So stop looking at me like you understand!!"

Tadashi's rant continued, and as he continued his words slowly became more and more illegible through his sobs. The entire time, Tsukkishima Kei was silent, listening to his boyfriend spill his heart out, his own chest hurting with each word. It was soon enough that Kei decided enough was enough and dragged the smaller into his arms, burying his face gently into his boyfriend's soft hair, quietly mumbling to him, quietly mumbling that he would be okay. Things would be okay.

Time seemed to stop for a moment as Tadashi was pulled into the warmth of his partner's arms, silently standing there for a few seconds before he brought his shaking arms to wrap them around Kei tightly, lifting his head to set it onto his shoulder. After a few moments, Tadashi broke, loud wails and cries escaping from him as his body shook.

He stood there. He stood there as long as it took for Tadashi to get it all out, to yell out his anger, his stresses, his anguish.

The couple stood like that for a while, Kei petting the back of his lover's head as the poor boy sobbed, but soon enough, the greenette fell quiet, face gently buried into the shoulder of his boyfriend, eyes closed and just living in the moment. It was maybe around five minutes after things quieted down that Kei even bothered to speak. "Do you feel better?" He mumbled to the other in a gentle voice, continuing to stroke and run his fingers through Tadashi's hair.

A nod was given for a response, a small sigh escaping from the blonde. He was relieved.

After that, they opted for moving onto the couch, Kei tucked back against the couch with his green-haired boyfriend curled up in his lap, head laid on his shoulder. He had felt so emotionally drained after the entire thing so at the moment he was half-asleep and drooling on his partner's shoulder. Kei didn't really mind at the moment, wanting him to be as comfortable as possible.

The rest of the night was filled with pizza and movies, soft smiles, hugs, cuddles, and gentle kisses. Kei found it adorable that whenever Tadashi would laugh over something he would say, it obviously sounded a little gross, but his cheeks would gently flush, and his laugh would barely be above a gentle giggle.

Maybe things would be okay. Just as long as Tadashi had Kei.

**Author's Note:**

> It's kind of just a rant story for my first write, which is kind of weird, huh?
> 
> Just with a soft ending because I love these boys <3.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
